Technologic in the Time of Cholera

This has been swimming around in my head for a while and I finally decided to put it out here:

There's something to be said about the endorphin hit you get when you hear your text message chime and the person on the other end of that message is someone you're interested in.

Let me back up.

It's really interesting to see how technology and, to a greater extent text messaging has influenced the interpersonal and romantic relationships that we engage in. Before, you'd meet someone and then spend some time getting to know them face-to-face on a personal level. Now there's a sort of limbo that you enter together; you text and get to know each other while making plans to meet and spend time with one another. It's in this limbo we start to overanalyze these small interactions and go crazy.

Our generation occupies an interesting place in the timeline of the maturation of technology. With this maturation come a set of problems completely unique to us. When do I text first? How long should I wait between receiving a message and sending another one? How many smileys are TOO many smileys? Try to explain this to anyone over the age of 35 and you'll be met with blank stares.

I guess what I'm getting at is that while dancing the dance in this digital limbo, nothing can beat spending time with that person face-to-face.

My goal is to write at least twice a week, hopefully more. We'll see though, life always manages to get in the way for some reason.

I said this before, but I feel I'm on the precipice of something, but I don't know what. Perhaps it's just Summer coming on. Only one way to find out, I guess.

Disasterpeace

I'll save the usual opening after a long hiatus and trust that you know that it's been quite some time since I've posted.

What breaks the silence you ask? I think part of it is to help prevent the constant struggle that I have of living in my head. The other is that I genuinely enjoy writing and don't do it enough.

These past two to four weeks have been a pretty big struggle for me. I'm dealing with emotions that have long laid dormant. Ones that I thought I would never feel again.

I long ago resolved that I was (and still largely am) a broken person; one unable (read: unwilling) to tread into that territory again in fear of getting hurt. I was content being a casual observer while my friends and their significant other's danced their dance and led their intertwined lives together. I was okay with being the consummate bachelor in the group, plus I'm pretty sure it's a law in most states that every group needs at least one. So when I started to feel said emotions rear their head again, I was genuinely frightened.

Frightened because I thought my heart had calloused over and I was incapable of feeling this way about another person, or rather letting another person feel that way about me. Let's face it, the last time I truly opened up to someone and let them in, they used it against me in the worst way possible. I wasn't willing to go back to that whipping post again. So I think one can understand why whenever someone would try and get close to me, it was met with extreme trepidation.

Enter someone new and completely unexpected; and slowly but surely I let my guard down. For some unexplained reason, I found myself letting this new person in, I was peeling away at layers of scar tissue that I had let envelop me over the years. Each time a layer would come off I felt like a new but familiar person, someone that I used to be years ago. So I think you can understand why it was such a frightening, albeit elating, experience for me. I remained cautious though, always keeping it in the back of my head that I was being used, or manipulated in some horrible way, but that too began to fade. I became an optimist, a moniker that if you labeled me with only months ago, I would have scoffed at you.

Then the other shoe dropped. I should have seen the signs, a casual hint of an ex here, a cutting remark there; it was my mistake for overlooking it. But could you blame me? I was forthcoming from the beginning with my feelings for her, and wasn't met with aversion. I thought I was on the precipice of, dare I say, something real? It had been so long that I didn't know what that felt like. But just as quickly as it started, it stopped.

Being judged is just something that you just have to deal with when you're in your 20's. You're constantly being assaulted with a litany of judgments from all angles from the time you graduate high school until you "get your shit together." Even then you're faced with the day-to-day judgments of life. But I feel that no one does, or ever should, get used to being judged on the things they're opening up about. To be judged on personal things about one's life is a horrible feeling. Being condescended to about the trials and tribulations of life is lower than low. It made me hate myself, not because of their judgement, but because I trusted this person and they hurt me. I should have known better.

The good thing about all this is that it made me realize that I want to be happy. For the longest time I didn't think I deserved it, or even wanted happiness for myself. But to experience this small period of feeling genuinely good about things, made me want that for the long run.

I know I say I'll write more, and I always fail to do so, but I think it might stick this time.

C'est La Vie

There's something to be said about the written word. For me, I can spend an hour in therapy and feel pretty good about myself afterward. But there is really nothing like purging my thoughts and feelings on to the page, whether analog or its digital counterpart.

Writing is like a muscle, you need to work it out on a regular basis in order to have any success in doing so; whether that be writing in a journal or writing for prose. Sadly, I fear it has been so long since I have flexed that muscle, it's almost like a foreign process to me. So forgive me if this is a little hard to get through on your end. You can take some comfort in knowing it's doubly hard for me on this end of the facsimile. 

What has been going on with me you ask? Two weeks left in the school year, which can't end soon enough I might add! It's been a year of learning and growing. My sessions have been reduced to only once a month, as opposed to every other week. I found myself not really knowing what to talk about at the more frequent interval, that means I'm getting better...right?

I've pledged myself to losing weight this summer, I'm tired of feeling and looking the way that I do. I know I'm missing out on things because of it, or at least that's how I feel about it. I look at pictures of myself when I was in my prime, and it saddens me that things have gotten to where they have. 

Dating is a non factor at this point in time. I haven't been on a date in what seems like ages. It's not that I'm trying to actively seek a mate right now, but there are times I get lonely pangs. I miss small things, a hug, a hand-hold, or even just a simple text. I miss feeling wanted. But there are times in which I am happy to be by myself. Would I really want someone to be dragged, unknowingly into the maelstrom that is my life? But maybe that's just me making excuses for myself. Time will tell.

I don't know what it is about friends. I am content with the people I choose to have in my life, though I know I deserve much more than what is given to me in return. I've been told as much anyway. I think I'm afraid to strike out on my own to the wilderness that is the social scene and expose myself to the flora and fauna in order to get new people in my life that are worth it. However, when it comes to select persons, I fear it will always be a revolving door. They know just the way to talk to me, just the right sequence of buttons to push in order to get me to interact with them. I know what they want. They want me to be available to make them feel wanted, like I was a lifetime ago. But at what point to I bar their entry to my life and keep them at arms length in order to save myself from the perpetual cycle? 

Hey now, look at that. A half-decent entry, let's make this a more regular occurrence. Shall we? 

Build That Wall

I dig my hole, you build a wall...

Nine days short of being a full year, I return. To what? Not really sure, but I think it's time that I start putting pen to paper (or finger to key) and start seriously writing again. Not only is it good for my mind, it's good for the way I express myself.

I looked back on the posts I made a year ago. While some things have changed, many have not. The relationships I have with friends are a little better, and some are not. Friends have come and gone, I've tried to keep in contact with the ones who have gone, but what is the point? Maybe that's just being pessimistic about it. But if they really wanted to be friends with me, it wouldn't be so one-sided, right? I guess I'm fine with the core group of people I spend time with, but something has me yearning for more. More what? I'm not sure. But it feels like there is a person sized hole deep down, and I don't know if it will ever be filled. I guess it's telling that the person I talk to most on a day-to-day basis lives in Tennessee...

While I may have a few friends, I feel I don't have companionship. I'm not saying that I need a romantic relationship, or that I need to have that part of my life figured out by now. But companionship would be nice to have. The kind that I don't have to be mindful of expressing myself, or the kind that really cares about me. I've expressed it, at times, as having the feeling of wanting to be around someone whom I care about, and the feeling is reciprocal. There's something to be said about mutual affection, whether that be romantic or otherwise.  I guess what I'm trying to get across is, I need a hug.

I've been thinking a lot about what my creative outlets have been. I came to the quick realization that I don't have many, if any at all. Within the past year I've come to really enjoy cooking. I look at it as creating something. The feeling I get when people eat, and enjoy something that I've prepared is something that I cannot put into words, but it's almost got a feeling of transcendence about it. It brings me to a level in which I am, for the moment, okay with things. But in the next, it makes me strive to make something better, something more challenging. I've seriously considered going to cooking school, as it's something that I don't abhor the thought of, but is that a flight of fancy that will never come to fruition? I guess only time will tell.

This is all excluding the biggest change at all in the fact that my mother is no longer with her partner of 18 years. I could fill journals and journals about how I feel about this, but I'll save that for another entry. I guess this is the carrot that will get me to write more in this thing.

I should write more, that was nice.

Brother Louie

I was sitting down watching tonight's season finale of Louie, and I couldn't help but relate to both segments of the episode.

What am I really doing with my life? I'm going to school, and yeah I have one (possibly two) job(s) and I maintain a, somewhat, active social life. But where am I going? Recently I've been made to feel (from outside sources) bad about living here, specifically SoCal. I understand that it's not a "real" place to live. There isn't much culture, or diversity. It is a rather Right leaning area, something that I come into contact with far more than I would like. I want to get out, I want to experience life on my own, I want to get out of this sterile bubble that I've been brought up in. But can I? I'm almost 25 years old and just finishing Community College. Some would say that this is the perfect time for me to get going and leave, but I really don't know if it's in the cards. Perhaps I'm making excuses and I should just GO. I just take umbrage with being looked down upon for not being able to leave sooner, or at all. Give me more credit than that.

I guess what I'm getting at is that my wheels are spinning. I can't get traction, and I can feel myself sink farther into the quagmire that is my life. I'm starting to see a therapist, and hopefully that will provide me with some support to get out and DO and GO and be GONE from here for a while. Strangely, the decision to leave isn't made hard by some of the traditional things that usually hold people back. Friends? I have but a few here that would ACTUALLY miss me or protest my leaving. Job? I've all but quit the city, and my time at Marina is coming to an end, possibly as soon as this season is over. Romantic obligations? Let's save that until later in the entry. I guess what's mainly holding me back is the means by which I have to move. In a perfect world I would get into SFSU or SSU or SOMEWHERE up north and experience life on my own, away from it all, start anew. But that costs money, and I don't know if my parents would be able to help me much. Is going into a huge amount of debt worth my well being? I think so, but some would probably argue with the sentiment.

I'm rambling, and not being as concise as I'd like to be, maybe because I'm getting a little tired, it's late. What it comes down to, is that I have a lot of soul searching to do. Hopefully I'll be updating more. I'm buying my first chef's knife tomorrow, going with a Global Japanese Steel knife, I'm way more excited about it than I have any right to be.

~Jared

Cooking

Cooking makes me feel a lot better. I also love feeding people. I guess I get  that mostly from my mom. During Christmas or Thanksgiving she would have literally 12 dishes cooking all at once and would still manage to have everything out on time and it would be delicious. I cook for my friends during the holiday times and I love it. I want to start doing it more and more throughout the year, making people happy through food.

I guess what I'm getting at is I want to start using this blog, not only for my dumb bullshit, but for my recipies and stuff that I pick up along the way. Pictures, recipies everything food related or what I cook. So what would you like to see me make? I want to work my way through both my Grandma's (Jewish and Japanese) cookbooks, but that's a lot to tackle.

I think this weekend I'm going to make something simple to try out the format. Maybe some Jambalaya with Sausage or something.

~Jared

When it rains it pours/misery loves company/it gets worse before it gets better et al.

April 30th was the last post that I made in this thing. So much for keeping it updated eh?  Frankly, I just haven't had the mojo to write. It comes and goes and I always think about things to write about but when I try and sit down to put thoughts to screen...it just never comes.

I'm currently at work on lunch break, yes I have a computer now in my derelict office, one of many new changes that have happened this year. Another change is my attitude towards this job.  I can't ever remember not wanting to come to work as badly as I do now. Granted, there is a lot going on at home, with the moving and the resentment and the general air of tension that seems ever present now adays, but I loathe coming here now.  I almost feel worse about myself for being here. It has come to symobolize a sense of stagnation in my life that I find disgusting.  I need to move on, I need to experience something new. I've run my course here, but I still have 4 weeks to go this Summer, and I honestly don't know whether I can manage(ha) it or not.

I mentioned previously that things at home have been rather tumultuous. That, dear readers, is the understatement of the year. I feel a mix of sadness, anger, apathy and just plain sadness over everything. It makes me question people and relationships even more now. I realize that this is a horribly unhealthy way to think, but can you blame me? I know, I'm being rather negative, but it's hard not to be feeling so these days.

I can't wait until August. If I can make it to August, I think everything is going to be good. Steve comes for his honeymoon, I'm going to Seattle to visit the cousins and family, and Cassie comes to visit. Things that will take my mind off the hard times as of late, everyone needs a break from time to time.

Well, hopefully I'll be writing in here more. It's cathartic to put words out there again.

Thank you
~Jared